Anyone who eats Trits with a spoon should be drug out into the street and shot
Anyone who eats Trits with a spoon should be drug out into the street and shot
The lifeless body of a 30-year-old man was discovered at Envision Festival this morning in Uvita, effectively harshing the buzz of everyone in the vicinity. Since the body presented no signs of violence, it is assumed that the man overdosed on drugs, or drowned, but most likely overdosed, at least according to one expert in the comment section.
And at least one doctor was quick to agree: “Because of the background we already have of this festival, many patients have been admitted under the effects of drugs, with traumas and other things. Previously several patients have been intubated and transferred to another medical center,” said doctor Keylor Barrantes, a local doctor who obviously knows what he is talking about.
Although some of the details surrounding the man’s death remain unclear, most likely due to the witnesses being rrrrreal fucking high on drugs, a call was made around 7 am reporting a body on the shore of the beach. A private paramedic unit transported the victim to Hospital Tomás Casas in Ciudad Cortés where the man was pronounced dead on arrival.
According to the Envionsion Festival website, “Envision is a celebration dedicated to awakening our human potential through the collective participation in art, spirituality, yoga, music, dance, performance, education, regenerative strategies and our fundamental connection with nature.”
According to Security Minister Carlos Hidalgo, local police arrested 11 festival goers for violating Costa Rica’s Psychotropic Law. Hidalgo also commented that 293 marijuana buds, 33 doses of cocaine, 37 grams of crack, 66 ecstasy pills and nearly 200 dosis of other drugs such as ketamine, LSD and “molly” were confiscated over the weekend.
With it’s two stunning coastlines surrounded by lush jungles, there is no denying Costa Rica is home to some of the most beautiful beaches in the world. A popular travel destination among adventurous travelers since the 80s, people come to Costa Rica for a variety of activities and not all of them involve cocaine and prostitutes. For most Gringos though it does usually involve getting a ridiculous looking sunburn.
In 2015 alone Costa Rica had 2.66 million visitors and nearly half of them were Gringos. According to the tourism board 55% of those travelers headed straight to one of the countries more than 300 exotic beaches for some fun in the sun but unfortunately for their families, not all of them made it home alive.
Although for many the mere mention of a Costa Rican beach evokes images of fruity rum drinks, stupid yoga poses, and unforgettable sunsets, what it usually doesn’t evoke is visions of floating face down in the water for a few hours before getting shipped home in a box. But in reality maybe it should because according to the Cruz Roja the beaches of Costa Rica are often as deadly as they are delightful.
According to the INEC (Instituto Nacional de Estadísticas Costarricense) website 141 people died from drowning in Costa Rica last year alone . That’s 3 times the number of people killed in motorcycle accidents during the same time frame. Although nearly every Expat we spoke to claimed they would never risk their lives doing something as dangerous as riding a motorcycle here most seemed to have no qualms about getting hammered before going for a dip in ocean.
Although many of the drownings can be traced back to the carelessness of the deceased there are also some environmental conditions to consider. Since some beaches are more dangerous than others The CR Post has prepared a list of the Top 5 Beautiful Costa Rican Beaches That Will Kill You (According to the Cruz Roja).
Even though, knowing you, you’re probably going to disregard our advice and die anyways, The CR Post has compiled a handy list of tips for not becoming a statistic while spending time at one of the many beautiful beaches of Costa Rica.
According to Wikipedia, “a drug is any substance (other than food that provides nutritional support) that, when inhaled, injected, smoked, consumed, or dissolved under the tongue, causes a physiological change in the body.” Although they don’t sound as cool when you say it like that, tourist still seem to love them, using drugs are a great way to die if you are planning on taking a dip in the ocean. Just say No and you might not die.
Although a large number of drowning victims are found to have some sort of foreign substance in their body, the biggest killer, according to drowning statistics, are rip currents. Even standing in waist-deep water you may still find yourself swept into a rip current, helplessly fighting for your life, while some crack head steals the flip-flops you left in your jeep. In order to help you keep your life, and maybe even your flip-flops, we stole this useful guide to Riptide Survival from metro.co.uk who actually stole it from wikihow.com
Identify a rip tide. A “rip current” is a narrow channel of water rushing from the beach to the sea (or sometimes along the beach). In order to stay safe it is important to learn the warning signs of rip current like choppy water, foam, or water that is of a slightly different color than the surrounding water.
According to the World Health Organization men are 200% more likely to die of drowning than women are. According to WHO’s fact sheet, the higher percentage of death and injury is attributed to increased exposure to water and reckless behavior often preceded by the phrase “Hey guys, watch this”. If you are a woman, feel free to enjoy the beach, but if you really love your husband you will leave him at home.
You can’t die in the ocean if you don’t get near the ocean. It’s not like there aren’t tons of other fun things to do in Costa Rica that don’t involve drowning, getting attacked by a crocodile, or becoming one of the six people dying of skin cancer each month. Play some video games, read The CR Post more, or learn to knit, there are all kinds of things you can do without ever having to leave the safety of your home.
If avoiding the beach is not an option, we sincerely hope our readers take some of the precautions laid out in this article as we honestly can’t afford to lose any more readers after yesterdays mass exodus due to our Rapey Clown article so please be safe out there.
Recently The Costa Rica Post fired one of our interns for submitting an offensive meme featuring Frente Amplio Candidate Edgardo Araya and a transparent box containing a dildo. But against our better judgement, we posted it anyways.
Then Facebook fired us, and it turns out dildos weren’t even the problem.
According to Facebook, the meme we posted doesn’t follow community standards, and since Facebook doesn’t allow post that bully private individuals, like people that don’t have a chance at becoming president, or any other post intended to degrade or shame a specific person, including but not limited to every single thing The Costa Rica Post has ever posted, they had no choice but to remove the offensive material.
The original ad, which likens Costa Rica’s next president, Antonio Álvarez Desanti, to a cold blooded fer–de–lance, was banned from television in Costa Rica but can still be found on Araya’s fan page, as well as below for those of you too lazy to click relevant outbound links.
In response, our editors have instated a more rigorous dildo screening process to avoid offending its readers.
It seems like every day another article pops up on the internet promising to help Gringos successfully assimilate into Costa Rican culture through the proper use of local slang, or more specifically, the correct use of “Pura Vida.” This is not one of those articles.
From The Matador Network to The Weekly Crawler, there is no shortage of absolutely terrible websites regurgitating the same garbage that you have already read a million times and next time it’s posted you will probably read it again because you are a moron.
As cute of a phrase as it may be, “Pura Vida” is about as 1999 as a Todo dar, and as any Tico will tell you, now days, there are much better ways to say hello out there.
Despite what the Lonely Planet Guide to Costa Rica your gay uncle Tom gave you might say, there are a hundred ways to say hello in Costa Rica, and they aren’t all Pura Vida. For that reason, with a little help from our newest intern, Tico Roger, the Costa Rica Post has compiled a list of the best ways to say hello in Costa Rica (and none of them are Pura Vida).
Buenas is the shortened version of buenos días, buenas tardes or buenas noches – it works anytime, and frees you from having to think about what time of day it is and is a great way to greet someone you bump into on the street but don’t feel like talking to.
Fun Fact: By drawingout the /s/ sound, you can make your buenas sound extra creepy.
The use of adiós as a greeting can be baffling. It’s most common when you’re walking down the street and aren’t going to stop and talk, but just make eye contact, give a smile and this quick hi/bye greeting. Its also a hilarious thing to say right before you kill someone.
Fun Fact: I have killed before and I will kill again.
A very handy informal Costa Rican greeting, Todo bien mae can be used at any time of the day but is a greeting usually reserved for use with people you like or are trying to get a cigarette from. Roughly translating to “What’s up dude?”, Todo bien mae can also be used to greet the security guard in front of your house.
Fun Fact: Much like Gallo Pinto, your fancy gated community’s security guard also comes from Nicaragua.
A common greeting among pachucos, polos and Nicas trying to fit in, “que me iche” or “que me dice” is a great way to say hello to your little sister’s baby’s daddy “Brayan” next time you visit him in San Sebastian.
Fun Fact: Regardless of what Brayan did to get in jail, he most likely won’t be there for long.
Another word for “cousin”, mop was culturally appropriated by white Ticos in the GAM from black Ticos in Limon who stole from brown Ticos in Puntarenas before shortening it down from “mopri” to its current form. This phrase literally means “Hey Cousin, everything good?”.
Fun Fact: Mop is most popular among the high af demographic.
Literally translated to “So what dickface?”, entonces que carepicha is a common way to greet your good friends and family members in Costa Rica. Entonces que carepicha is also a great way to greet someone that you just caught staring at your girlfriend.
Fun Fact: Most of the people you know are carepichas.
Que me dice playo, or “What’s up queer?” is one of the most common greetings you will ever hear in Costa Rica. Generally used by straight people, “playo” is a Costa Rica specific slur for homosexuals that is mostly used in an affectionate manner except when referring to actual gay people.
Fun Fact: Twenty bucks is twenty bucks.
Also known as a “Jaco Howdy”, como va esa vida mamapichas is the Spanish equivalent of “How’s life c***sucker?” and is a great way to greet a person you actually wouldn’t mind talking to for some reason. Very popular among the 24-35 age group, como va esa vida mamapichas is more Tico than Gallo Pinto, which is why we decided to make it number one on our list of Costa Rican greetings that aren’t “Pura Vida”.
There are a lot of Songs out there about Costa Rica so with the help of our readership we narrowed in down to the Top 5 English Language Songs about Costa Rica and assessed them for accuracy. They aren’t all good but they are all about Costa Rica.
By P. Porte
To be honest this song shouldn’t be on any list due to it’s poor execution, terrible sound quality and offensive lyrics. As a matter-of-fact if you are easily offended you may want to skip to number four, if you already hit play and already had your ears assaulted before reading this warning I do apologize and at this point you might as well keep reading.
Going down to costa rica
Plan to meet pretty chica (That’s the spirit pardner)
And I must say
Im happy today (Great attitude, loving this song so far)
Some people mate for life
I can live without a wife (Maybe you just haven’t met the right gal fella)
I wont have it any other way
For now id rather pay (That’s what Charlie Sheen used to say, now he’s spending all his Two and a half men money on Reverse transcriptase (RT) inhibitors. Tiger Blood is contagious so you guys might want to get yourself checked. Not Winning, not winning!)
As much as guys like this will tell you otherwise, there is nothing glorious about paying for sex (see Charlie Sheen reference above) and the local government is not big fan’s of those who would promote the sex trade industry in Costa Rica. One would have to wonder if the guys who own this Youtube Channel are familiar with the case of Cuba Dave who has been sitting in preventative prison for a year now for promoting Costa Rica as a Sex Tourism Destination?
This song is by far the least favorite song on the list but at least it doesn’t sound like it was recorded in a bathroom of a back alley cat house like the previous entry. This is the only Hip-Hop entry on the list and as of right now has received over three million views on YouTube.
I’m fresh from Costa Rica
I’ve been joggin and fitnessing all season (fitness first, I like that bro)
I’m getting closer to the weekend
Call my plug, he Puerto Rican, ship the keys in (Well there goes the neighborhood)
These hoes see me and say “WOW!” like they seen Jesus
Bitch actin’ up, butthead like Beavis (Not sure what this means but we love B&BH)
Uno man army, you don’t need to vouch for me
We aren’t talkin vegetables unless it’s broccoli (We know that you are health conscious Dawg and we respect that but WTF are you talking about?)
Unfortunately any respect this song may have earned with its audio quality it quickly loses it all back due to it’s terrible lyrics, over use of Auto-tune and twenty-five year old pop culture references that no one who would bother listening to this modern garbage would even get. Ticos love it because it sounds hip and mentions Costa Rica, their parents hate it because it sounds like crap and promotes criminal activity.
Although some accuse Jakob Dylan’s song “Costa Rica” of painting Ticos as lazy drunks with nothing better to do than lounge around on the beach and inbibe liquour but we don’t see it that way at all. Costa Rica tells the story of two lovers traveling to the exotic Central American nation trying to escape the pressure of everyday life. As they sit on the beach drinking till the early hours of the following day they contemplate leaving behind the daily grind back home and finish out their days living like they assume everyone does here, hanging out on the beach and drinking till they pass out in a hammock.
Lay your worries
Down at your door (sure we are on vacation why not?)
Now my loves
Like an open shore (kinda sappy but whatever, come over here you big lug)
Now Costa Rica
We got nothing better to do (some of us have to work Jakob)
When the nights hang dark
And the Sun wont burn (No but the mosquitoes will bite you and you may get mugged. Ever hear of Zika Jakob?)
Unlike so many similar stories we never get to find out if the two lovers decided to roll the dice and try their luck at the Expat Life Style in Costa Rica. If they did we can only assume it ended like it does for so many with them getting their asses handed to them due to lack of research and absolutely zero grasp of the Spanish language.
We absolutely love this song by Vince Vaccaro. Great sound quality and a very catchy guitar riff and vocal melody make it the most pleasurable on the list to listen to and probably the only one we can imagine being worth putting in the permanent rotation in our Ipod had it not been stolen out of our checked bag last time we flew to Liberia.
I wanna leave this place yeah to never be found
I wanna leave my old life far behind (Been there done that. Definitely doable here bro)
Can I lose my name, be someone new
And I’ll throw my trouble deep in the wild blue (Ok, now it’s starting to sound like you are hiding something)
Lets leave to me and you babe
Lets go to Costa Rica (Bad Grammar)
Lets leave to me and you babe
Lets go to Costa Rica (Definitely not a good enough line to repeat)
At this point we are not even sure if Vince ever made it to Costa Rica let alone moved here permanently. We can only hope he didn’t lose his name before he caught his exit flight.
We couldn’t help but feel Ben nailed it with the lyrics on this one, even if they are a bit exaggerated the feeling is there and sang with the conviction of someone who has some experience waiting for ICE to show up to install his internet.
Although possibly one of the lesser-known acts on this list internationally speaking, Ben Jammin has long provided entertainment to both tourist and locals in the Jaco and Quepos areas. Although there is no good footage of Ben performing this number there is a high quality audio clip that you can listen to HERE
Living on Tico time
Living on Tico time (ok, you said that already)
I know we had a date
but I’m a couple hours late
Living on Tico time (This ain’t our first rodeo Ben Jammin but a solid warning for the noobs and worth repeating)
I used to be oh so punctual
I took great pride in that (I think I see where this is leading)
But now I see it is optional
I think I’ll go take a nap (Jesus Christ. Did Dr. Seuss write this lyric?)
Although more than one Tico has probably tossed an empty beer bottle at Ben Jammin for talking smack I like to think that the take away message here is a positive one. Don’t get mad, adapt. There is no reason to get all worked up like the pope did recently when President Luis Guillermo Solis showed up twenty-minutes late to a scheduled meeting with the Vatican.
Just assume that the Tico will probably be late and plan your day accordingly. We recommend taking the extra time to catch up on stories at The CR Post or if you can steal the neighbors wifi using it to download these Smartphone Apps to make your life in Costa Rica easier.
Unless you have been living under a rock for the last few years, you have probably already heard of Dave “Cuba Dave” Strecker, the infamous Gringo that was arrested at the airport on his way home to Florida for blogging about having sex with prostitutes on the now noticeably prostitute-free website www.cubadave.com.
Although we may have poked fun at him in the past, as seen here, here and most recently here, as anyone that has taken the time to actually read a few of our articles will tell you, we love Cuba Dave almost as much as Cuba Dave loves Prostitutes.
The Costa Rica Post recently got a chance to sit down with Cuba Dave and ask him some questions about prison life, prostitutes and his new book, The Persecution of Cuba Dave. Cuba Dave agreed to speak with us under the sole condition that he would not have to wear a shirt. Our reporter reluctantly agreed.
TCRP: I would like to start this interview by saying that I’m a huge fan of your work, and am looking forward to reading your book coming out on May 17th. We know how your story ended Dave, but how did it begin? What year did you first visit Costa Rica, and what made you come here?
DAVE: I first visited Costa Rica in 2005, I had been traveling to Cuba from 1994 to 2004, but in 2004 Bush #2 put heavy travel restrictions on going to Cuba and in turn the Cuban government put a 20% tax on the American dollar. A friend told me to try Costa Rica. I lived in Key West and was only 90 miles away, most trips were by boat.
TCRP: A boat trip to cuba sounds fun. Was it always about the women or was there something else that kept calling you back to Cuba?
DAVE: It was never about the women, I went with 10 guys on a dive trip to the bay of pigs, yes we met women, but It was different there it wasn’t about money it was about being board, they didn’t understand money, they just wanted to have fun,drink,dance, most hadn’t been more than 10 miles away from home. I brought my softball teams over there, organized fishing tournaments, I traveled through the entire country , met thousands of people, I spoke to schools, Romber in 1995 it was like I was from outer space.
TCRP: Do you remember the name of your first time with a Cuban girl?
DAVE: I had a few girlfriends that I went to see but it was a fun relationship, I liked bringing them things, money wasn’t important because they didn’t know what money was. I gave my girlfriend money and she gave it to her mother for food.
TCRP: Speaking of giving women money, are you ok with talking openly about prostitutes with us?
DAVE: I have no problem talking about prostitution, I was never really introduced to what you know as prostitution till I first went to Costa Rica. I walked into the Del Rey and found out what prostitution was in a hurry. I enjoyed it, thought it was great.
TCRP: Same here.
DAVE: Never had a problem talking about it. I was the guy who made these trips everyone wished they could make. And I had no problem talking about my trips.
TCRP: Here is a video of the inside of the Del Rey for people who haven’t been:
DAVE: That video was made in 2007 by a friend, they used that video as evidence against me even though I had nothing to do withit. It was on my hard drive. Also the video was made 4 years before the sex tourism law was formed. That how hard up for evidence they were
TCRP: Yes, I believe I learned of your escapades on the CRT forum my friend was a member of. I remember you had quite the following back then.
DAVE: I had 20,000 hits a month on Cubadave.com. I was highly encouraged by CRT and local club owners to keep people informed. There is a big difference between promoting and informing, I was informing newbies about the dangers and things to look out for. Plus helped them with hotels and airplane travel.
TCRP: Your story inspired a lot of guys to chase their dreams so to speak. Were these places paying you for the publicity?
DAVE: Never ! In Sosua the Club owners wanted to give me everything on the house but I refused, I was in business myself and I gave nothing away. I ran a successful beach business in Key West, I worked as a helper in construction. I made most of my money in professional wrestling as a referee and promoter.
I played professional softball for 35 years had everything handed to me, I had many sponsors, we had women following us everywhere, never paid a girl a dime. But when your 44 and living in Key West where finding a girl with a full set of teeth is a accomplished feat, the trip to Cuba did open a new door.
TCRP: I heard about the baseball but never the wrestling. You really have had an interesting life. Who is your favorite wrestler you have personally met?
DAVE: I grew up in Minnesota it was a hotbed for wrestling. Vern Gagne was the king, I was a ringside photographer when I was 17, started refereeing at 20, been in the ring with all the greats, my girlfriend when I was 35 was Madusa I got her into wrestling and she went all the way to the top,but left me behind.
TCRP: In regards to not accepting money for your stories, in retrospect should you have accepted the money?
DAVE: No I wouldn’t change a thing , I lived the greatest live a guy could live, outside the last two years of course. I’m still reflecting on what happened and why, it was very difficult for me, I had never been arrested in my life. The book is just a way of getting my side out, I was locked up for two years with no outside contact, and no way of defending myself. A lot of people wrote a lot of things that were just made up or second hand information.
TCRP: Two years is a long time, is it true that you were stuck sleeping next to a urinal?
DAVE: The first 5 weeks I was forced to sleep on the floor, it was so crowded at night I would crawl into the bathroom just for air and yes my head was next to the urinal.
TCRP: That is amazing.
DAVE: It’s hard to describe the prison capacity was 600, we had 1,360 in there. I was in a cell with 26 guys one toilet one shower, full of bugs and mosquitoes. Food was the worst, I went in at 175 lbs. came out at 140 lbs. I suppose to be at the over 60 prison but they lied to me and said I couldn’t go till I was sentenced, it wasn’t till a social worker informed me they were telling me a lie, she got me moved after I spent 6 months in San Sebastián.
TCRP: Any crazy prison stories?
DAVE: There was a lot of trannies in the prison. They dressed like girls, wore makeup, even asked to scrub your back in the showers, some were pretty convincing, one in our cell like to watch you take a shower, she didn’t look bad either till one time I was taking a piss and she was passing right next to me. Never seemed same after that.
DAVE: My book, The Persecution of Cuba Dave, really describes the prison life, I will say I was protected pretty well by some pretty dangerous guys that knew of me and spread the word to leave me alone. Lot more in the book, I could write a whole book on just the characters I met in prison, some became very close friends. Some I hope I never see again.
TCRP: What charges were you being detained on?
DAVE: In a 36 page report they stated they found no proof of guilt on any charge, but even though I was found innocent I had to spend six more months in jail because they appealed, in the new trial I was found not guilty of anything and released with no restrictions.
My biggest complaint is guys like Krumholtz and other third rate reporters wanted to create a monster, tell their story not the real story. Anything to sell the paper. But when I was released they were no where to found wouldn’t even answer the phone.
TCRP: Pardon my ignorance but what the hell is a Krumholtz?
DAVE: Mark Krumholtz is a hack reporter for Tico Times he begged me for an interview for 6 months but my lawyers said no, finally I gave in out of frustration of not getting anywhere, he came and seen me a few times, but you could tell he wasn’t on my side. He was just trying to create a story.
TCRP: Trust us, we know all about hack reporting Cuba Dave.
TCRP: Sorry. Please continue.
DAVE: Guys like Krumholtz, all the women judges, the women prosecutor, they have no regard for human life only a story, or a conviction then they move on. I will say the prosecutor was a very sadistic and unprofessional example of the Costa Rica Court system. My lawyer Diego really saved my life.
DAVE: I hope this bookopens some eyes about this sex tourism law, that was never thought out, just a knee jerk decision by an incompetent person in the justice system. The law is so vague. It gives them to arrest anyone for anything, also I hope this sheds some light on preventive prison.
This guilty till proven innocent is got to go, so many guys are locked up on someone accusing them of something then when they have to bring evidence there is none but the guy spent months in jail. I spent 2 years on no evidence what so ever, plus foreigners are treated completely different, all rights are taken away.
Look my Life was ruined by accusations, your friends your family,everyone hears your in jail on a sex crime, my mother died when I was in jail,my brother tells everyone at the funeral I’m being held on a sex crime. When the verdict comes out they have already determined you must have been guilty.
TCRP: So sorry about your mom. I cant imagine how that must feel. No body deserves what happened to you. Not without a crime actually being committed at least.
DAVE: You know how you would wonder what people say about you after you die? Well I came back from the dead and got to see what everyone had to say, so maybe telling my side will give me peace.
DAVE: I now live in Colombia, by myself in a small town outside the city I don’t talk to anybody, and I certainly don’t give any advice. There isn’t a day that goes by where someone offers to take me to dinner buy me a beer, maybe just talk, the Gringo population is in a different town and I don’t go anywhere near them.
TCRP: We were just going to ask you about Colombia. Do you plan on keeping Cubadave.com update with Colombian Content?
DAVE: No more updates on anything for me, I have a Facebook page where I keep in contact with friends. But when asked about the action in Colombia I just say I’m a retired tourist and have no idea.
TCRP: You said “when you die you would wonder what people say about you after you die”. How would you like to be remembered Dave?
DAVE: I will always be remembered for the last two years, that’s just he way it is. But I can always say I have no regrets I had a great life, and still do. I accomplished so much in sports, had my own tv show, was an accomplished writer spent time With the most beautiful women in the world.
TCRP: I imagine its safe to say you wouldnt do it again if you had to do over again? The Costa Rica part at least?
DAVE: I would do it all over again, I didn’t do anything that 10,000 other guys were doing, I just publicly told my adventures.
TCRP: And how many adventures were there?
DAVE: Hundreds. No, not hundreds, thousands. All were great, every time I returned from a trip the people would gather at the beach and say “well how did it go” and I always said the same thing “Best trip ever!” What happened to me could have happened to a thousand other guys, for what they used against me was ridiculous, there own investigators testified that they found nothing.
DAVE: One judge said it best, this for us, not you and not your friends, this is not a Disneyland for adults. What she was saying is prostitution is ok for her brother,cousins,maybe her husband but not for us foreigners. I couldn’t believe what she was saying, but really that’s what this whole case was about. Costa Rica has a social problem, but rather than address it the just blame someone else then sweep it under the rug.
TCRP: Will you ever come back to Costa Rica?
DAVE: No, not that I couldn’t, but I would never trust those people, they lie, they stole all my stuff plus I have a 2.5 million dollar lawsuit pending.
TCRP: You are aware that Costa Rica is broke right?
DAVE: They are always broke, how much you think they spent on me?
TCRP: We really appreciate you taking the time to answer all of our questions today Dave, we honestly thought you would have gotten sick of us after the first two.
Eligio Bishop, might have made a name for himself as a former Model, stripper, and prostitute turned philosopher, but he’s got another title now: “The Sexiest Cult Leader Alive”.
Back in June 2016, Bishop posed with a backpack on Facebook, writing “the Ascension journey has begun.” He was heading for Honduras, urging commenters on the post to let him be their “guide out of the hell realm.” As it turns out, he is also pretty good at guiding ladies’ panties out of the crotch realm, sometimes in front of children.
“I never be ashamed of sex,” he says. “My son, he be breast feeding, I be making love to his momma. That’s me brah, that’s how I get down around kids.”
Pedophile anecdotes aside, Bishop, 34, credits his followers for convincing him to embrace the title. But a bigger incentive for the Manwhore turned Wiseman was being able to stick it to Spirit Airlines whom the cult leader once accused of being racist after they kicked his entire cult off a flight from Costa Rica because they smelled bad. “I can’t wait get naked in front of Spirit Airline’s kids,” Bishop is assumed to have said. “As proud as I am and honored that you guys asked me, that’s really the only thing I care about.”
To celebrate his title – and recent release from Facebook Jail – Bishop had originally planned to make his Sexiest Cult Leader Alive debut on his recently purchased, and completely unblockable website, www.FatherTehuti.com
….but unfortunately the website has since been blocked.
Tattoos, like the reasons people get them, are generally bad; and the cultural appropriation of phrases like “Pura Vida” by pasty skinned white-folk are no exception.
In an effort to save a few Gringos from making the same mistakes as some of the idiot Gringos that came before them, we present the Top 13 Reasons to get a stupid Pura Vida Tattoo:
#13 Because you hate animals
#12 To avoid finding a job
#11 Because you fell in love with a surf instructor in Tamarindo that one summer
#10 Because you are a slut
#9 Because you hate your skin
#8 Because Sloths Don’t Care About Gender Labels
#7 To be read while you are begging for money since that TEFL gig went south
#6 Because you are a huge douchenozzle
#5 Because you love cocks
#4 Because the Devil made you
#5 Because it beats cleaning your fingernails
#4 Because you don’t speak Spanish
#3 Because your an insufferable jerk
#2 Because you cant afford a tattoo artist
#1 To to commemerate the first time you Murdered a Prostitute